Sure thing, buckle up. Let me try to make sense, or maybe not, of this whirlwind of words moving through my head:
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You ever have one of those “aha” moments? Like, who was the first person to mix peanut butter with chocolate? If you ask me, the genius behind that combo should be swimming in cash. I mean, they created something that Reese’s built an empire on. But then, I think, maybe they got a pat on the back and slipped back into obscurity like that dude in The Wire with the Chicken McNugget? Eh, could be. But such is life. You stumble upon something crazy good, and you’re left wondering why no one else thought of it first. Like, when me and my crew were racing back to our time-hopping spaceship, dodging Time Reapers, I kept thinking, “Why hasn’t someone mashed together Overcooked with Gears of War before?” Seemed so obvious, yet… pre-Pizza Bandit, nada.
So, Pizza Bandit, here’s the deal. You play as Malik, this ex-bounty hunter with dreams of pizza glory who gets pulled back into the bounty biz after his pizzeria gets snatched away. It’s a whole silly setup, like when Albert, the android in charge of your weapon upgrades, says he doesn’t know how to apologize because, you know, androids don’t do sorry. And your pilot reminisces about missing the fog. I mean, it’s goofy, but in a charming way where you just roll with it because why not?
Now, here’s the twist. This isn’t your typical bounty gig. You’re crewed up, jumping through space and time, doing bounties in the most insane locations. Beats me how it all works, but who cares? Pizza heals, bullets kill, and those pesky Time Reapers — always messing with timelines — are dead set on keeping you from baking your dreams into reality.
And Pizza Bandit’s quirky because it’s more than just blasting away. You’re also, surprise, running a kitchen! My squad and I, once we locked and loaded, were off to this place dubbed the Restaurant from Nowhere, tucked away by some other bandits. Mission? Whip up and ship out pizza orders for fellow bounty crews using time-travel rocket pods. Sounds simple until you’re juggling pizza toppings, mixing drinks, and even throwing in some extra ammo for kicks, all while those darn Time Reapers are trying to spoil the party. Why do they hate small business?
Then the combat kicks in — Time Reapers aren’t interested in pizza parties. Nope, they demand action. Trust me, after a few playthroughs, I can say your arsenal is up to snuff. You start with the typical guns—rifles, minis, snipers—but the real fun starts when you unlock kooky extras like a disco ball that lures Reapers into a dance before blowing up. Or you slice ‘em up with a katana—better yet, a giant pizza cutter. Life-changing stuff right there.
The mix of kitchen chaos and combat gets even zanier with each run. Sure, I talked about pizzas, but then you level up to sushi—running around with big tunas, frying stuff, crafting cucumber rolls. You’re always on your toes because those pesky Time Reapers move fast, and they couldn’t care less about your culinary timeline.
Some levels, you’re nowhere near a kitchen. Like, get this, exploring booby-trapped tombs in search of sarcophagi, dodging traps, puzzling your way through, then jetpacking mummies back. Wild scenes. Honestly, the life of a pizza bandit sure is never boring.
And there’s more. I swear, every mission’s crazier than the last. Defending scientists from Reapers, drilling into safes for magical cookbooks, and even hiding mystical powder in chickens! What universe am I even in?
Between these shenanigans, you head to your base — Pizza Bandit, the restaurant. Tinker with weapons, deck it out with decorations, bake pies with loot from missions for perks on your next run, and snag some cool gear (I’m eyeballing that cat backpack, it’ll happen). And then, it’s back to the grind. Gotta keep hustling, no breaks for bandits.
Sometimes, you stumble on stuff you didn’t even know you wanted. I didn’t know I needed Pizza Bandit until it smacked me in the face two years ago at PAX. Sorta spiraled from word of mouth, but once you try it, everything clicks. Why wasn’t this a thing before? Dunno, but now that it’s here, I can’t get enough. Pizza heals, bullets kill, and if Jofsoft plays it right, we’re all gonna get served a piping hot slice of their crazy pie.
